The Ships are Sailing
by Clearly Clayr
Summary: What kind of shipper are you? H/Hr? D/Hr, H/G, H/C, D/H, D/G, V/H or something else? Well, it doesn't matter! Here I'll make fun of every disgusting ship that has sailed (and some that haven't!) Episode Three: Hagrid and Dobby!
1. Harry and Hermione

(A/N: Yes, this is my pathetic stab at a humor fic. I thought of the idea last night before I was ready to fall asleep. I thought you might enjoy reading this.  
  
Why did I think of this? I was getting a little tired of hearing all about romances and stuff. So here it is: the parody of every ship that has ever sailed (and some that haven't) will be made fun of here!)  
  
The Ships are Sailing  
  
Episode One: Harry and Hermione  
  
[The setting is the Gryffindor common room. HARRY and HERMIONE are mysteriously ALONE.]  
  
HERMIONE: Hello, Harry. Have you noticed my new figure, complete with curves?  
  
[HARRY notices.]  
  
HARRY: Hermione, I am suddenly in love with you.  
  
HERMIONE: Wow, Harry.  
  
HARRY: Do you remember fourth year, when we were always alone together.  
  
[HERMIONE thinks about this.]  
  
HERMIONE: Yes.  
  
HARRY: I hated it.  
  
HERMIONE: Really?  
  
HARRY: Yes, we spent all our time in the library.  
  
[HERMIONE looks downtrodden.]  
  
HERMIONE: I thought books were a real turn-on.  
  
HARRY: And I was so sick of you, I just wanted Ron back as a friend.  
  
HERMIONE: I love you.  
  
[HARRY smiles.]  
  
HARRY: I love you.  
  
HERMIONE: It was nice to think about our past romantic moments. Let's do it again.  
  
[HARRY and HERMIONE can't seem to recall anything.]  
  
HARRY: Come to think of it, there aren't any.  
  
HERMIONE: There was the time you ditched Cho to come see me.  
  
HARRY: Cho ditched me. Then I had to see you and Skeeter.  
  
[HERMIONE SMILES.]  
  
HARRY: But that just gave all the authors reason to write more Harry and Hermione romances.  
  
[AUTHORS of various romance fics look dejected. RANDOM AUTHOR #1 arrives.]  
  
RANDOM AUTHOR #1: There are many more reasons!  
  
[HARRY and HERMIONE are too busy SNOGGING to notice that there are now TWO RANDOM AUTHORS that have FALLEN from the CEILING.]  
  
RANDOM AUTHOR #2: See?  
  
RANDOM AUTHOR #1: I concur. See my use of vocabulary?  
  
[The READERS don't seem to understand, but keep reading, anyway.]  
  
RON: Hey!  
  
[The READERS are too absorbed in HARRY and HERMIONE to notice RON.]  
  
RON: Harry, I'm your best friend!  
  
[HARRY pays no attention to the fact that RON even exists.]  
  
RANDOM AUTHOR #3: Ron, you are a problem. You are ruining the part where Harry and Hermione fall in love and are better friends than you.  
  
RON: What? Have I mentioned that I still love Hermione?  
  
[The READERS are UPSET. RANDOM AUTHOR #4 FALLS from the CEILING.]  
  
RANDOM AUTHOR #4: Ron, you need to die.  
  
[RON DIES. HARRY and HERMIONE make a show of PRETENDING to CARE.]  
  
HERMIONE: Harry, your best friend died.  
  
HARRY: Best friend? I don't have a best friend. I only love you.  
  
HERMIONE: Than who is that kid with red hair?  
  
[The RANDOM AUTHORS decide that RON DYING has created too much tragedy, because HARRY and HERMIONE have taken one second to remember that they actually liked RON, who liked HERMIONE.]  
  
[ANOTHER RANDOME AUTHOR suddenly APPEARS out of NOWHERE.]  
  
RANDOM AUTHOR #5: Ron, you have to come back to life so Harry and Hermione can live together peacefully.  
  
[RON is MYSTERIOUSLY RESURRECTED.]  
  
RON: Hey guys, remember me?  
  
HARRY: No, I hate you.  
  
HERMIONE: I hate you more.  
  
[The RANDOM AUTHORS decide that there should probably be a reason that HARRY and HERMIONE hate RON.]  
  
HARRY: You killed my family!  
  
READERS: . . . . . . . . .  
  
HERMIONE: You're a Death Eater, Ron! We hate you!  
  
[RON suddenly turns into a DEATH EATER and leaves in jealousy, so HARRY and HERMIONE can snog each other in peace, without a guilty thought on their PURE minds.]  
  
SNAPE: Ten points from Gryffindor.  
  
[The READERS are suddenly confused.]  
  
SNAPE: What? It just wouldn't be a fan fic without me, would it?  
  
[The READERS pretend to care. Meanwhile, HARRY and HERMIONE have decided to get MARRIED.]  
  
HARRY: Will you marry me?  
  
HERMIONE: Yes, of course. I love the way you have forgotten that you are supposed to fight the Dark Lord.  
  
[HARRY and HERMIONE get MARRIED, and a wide assortment of GUESTS arrive.]  
  
RITA SKEETER: I knew it!  
  
HARRY: Yes, you were always my favorite reporter.  
  
CHO: Harry, Harry, I still like you!  
  
[The READERS all suddenly HATE CHO, and think she is a SLUT.]  
  
HERMIONE: You're just a slut. Back off, Harry's mine.  
  
CHO: Since I am mindless and do not care, I will leave, turn into an ugly, overweight pig, be ugly, and never marry.  
  
[CHO DOES. The READERS and RANDOM AUTHORS are PLEASED.]  
  
HARRY: Now that everyone is okay with us, we can live happily ever after.  
  
[VOLDEMORT DIES, RON DIES, MALFOY DIES, SNAPE DIES, CHO DIES, GINNY DIES, and EVERYONE ELSE OPPOSED TO HARRY/HERMIONE ALSO DIES.]  
  
HERMIONE: The end.  
  
[The RANDOM AUTHORS all give each other HIGH FIVES for the great work they have created.]  
  
(A/N: Well, I don't think it was very funny. It was just my clichéd views on how some very bad authors choose to construct fics. I hope you enjoyed it! I have some VERY odd ships next!  
  
Would anyone like to make a request? I'll make fun of anything, to the best of my ability!  
  
--Clayr) 


	2. Ron and Hermione

(A/N: Thanks to all who reviewed! Now here are some incredibly annoying Author's Notes for you all to read. Don't worry; they're short.  
  
Yeah, I got the idea for the format from Clam Chowder. I thought it would be easier to write everything out in script format. It's much less confusing, and I think it's easier to read. So um, kudos to Clam Chowder for her ideas that she had first!  
  
As for the capitalizing of random words, I actually have a reason for that. See, I can't do HTML, so I just capitalize words that I want stressed.  
  
Oh, and also, I found it hard to make fun of R/Hr, because that's how I generally ship. But I did it anyway! So:  
  
And due to popular request, I now present.)  
  
Chapter Two: Ron and Hermione  
  
[The Setting is THE BURROW. As usual, RON and HERMIONE have managed to find themselves mysteriously ALONE.]  
  
RON: Normally, I would be too timid to say this, but Hermione-  
  
HERMIONE: Sorry, what were you saying, Ron?  
  
[HERMIONE gives a large letter to PIG who flies off comically with it. The READERS laugh hysterically.]  
  
HERMIONE: Oh, by the way, I just broke up with Krum, because I really do hate him.  
  
RON: I love you.  
  
[HERMIONE blushes. RON looks at his feet, which are LARGE. And you know what they say about men with big feet.]  
  
HERMIONE: Look at my developed figure.  
  
[Another ANNOYING AUTHOR falls in from the ceiling to describe every nook and cranny of HERMIONE'S body, which has turned beautiful.]  
  
RON: And your hair isn't busy any longer!  
  
[The ANNOYING AUTHORS cue the song "BUMP AND GRIND."]  
  
HERMIONE: Where did that song come from?  
  
RON: Who cares? We're obviously supposed to get it on to this song.  
  
[They do. The READERS goggle at the wonderful display of vivid descriptions that the AUTHORS have written.]  
  
HERMIONE: This is odd, Ron.  
  
RON: What is?  
  
HERMIONE: It's been at least five lines, and no one has walked in on us yet!  
  
[The ANNOYING AUTHORS suddenly REALIZE what they have forgotten.]  
  
ANNOYING AUTHOR #1: Oh, shit. Let me fix that.  
  
[The ANNOYING AUTHOR does so. WINKY suddenly appears.]  
  
WINKY: Eeep! Sir and Miss! Winky is sorry that Winky walked in on Sir and Miss!  
  
RON: Damn straight you'd better be, house elf.  
  
[WINKY feels LOVED by this.]  
  
HERMIONE: I have given up S.P.E.W. because the readers think it is annoying.  
  
WINKY: Hooray.  
  
RON: Okay, can you leave now? We need to get back to our business.  
  
WINKY: Oh yes. I must leave now since the Weasleys own me now, because they are suddenly rich.  
  
[HERMIONE and RON look happy.]  
  
WINKY: Oh, and Winky wishes sir good luck with his own Winky.  
  
[WINKY DISSAPPEARS before RON can beat the CRAP out of her.]  
  
[The ANNOYING AUTHORS go back to writing their stuff, and the setting is now the GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM.]  
  
HERMIONE: Since this is a romance, there is no plot required.  
  
RON: Or no character development.  
  
[HARRY walks in.]  
  
HARRY: Hello. Are you two at it again?  
  
HERMIONE: Yeah, Harry. You're interrupting.  
  
HARRY: Oh, I'll just go chill out with Neville in the Dorms.  
  
RON: Mmm hmm . . .  
  
HARRY: Be safe, you two!  
  
[HARRY leaves, after a lecture on SAFE SEX.]  
  
RON: Boy, I sure am glad that you decided I'm way cooler than the International Quidditch player, and Triwizard participant. Why did you pick me over Krum?  
  
HERMIONE: Because, of course, Krum is an abusive, controlling prat.  
  
[At the mention of KRUM, the READERS all get angry.]  
  
RON: Hey, remember what Winky said back at the Burrow?  
  
HERMIONE: Which part?  
  
RON: Well, do you think that whole Winky thing is. . .  
  
HERMIONE: Maybe.  
  
[RON and HERMIONE again engage in the SNOGGING, while people around them go about their usual business.]  
  
[HARRY comes back.]  
  
HARRY: Hey guys, I'm going to save the day again. Wanna come with?  
  
[RON and HERMIONE consider.]  
  
HERMIONE: Well, we obviously don't want to, but since you asked so nicely . . .  
  
[CUE: MAJOR PLOT CONFLICT.]  
  
[RON suddenly seems JEALOUS.]  
  
RON: Do you like Harry more than you like me, now?  
  
HERMIONE: What?  
  
HARRY: The Dark Lord is killing innocent people . . .  
  
RON: Oh, Harry is just our friend, and is trying to be the Hero.  
  
[Everyone rejoices at this MAJOR PLOT CONFLICT being resolved.]  
  
HARRY: Okay guys; let's go save the day.  
  
[HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE all go off to find VOLDEMORT who is cunningly plotting to kill RON and HERMIONE instead of HARRY, for some unknown reason. The READERS wonder why.]  
  
VOLDEMORT: Because the author said so, that's why.  
  
READERS: Oh, I see now.  
  
[HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE kick some VOLDIE butt, and return to Hogwarts after the dramatic battle, where HARRY, the hero, seems to be ignored.]  
  
VOLDEMORT: I am dead.  
  
HERMIONE: Oh, I'm hurt.  
  
[We suddenly notice that HERMIONE is gushing unrealistic amounts of blood.]  
  
HARRY: How did this happen? Wizards use WANDS, not guns and knives!  
  
RON: Shut up, Harry! Hermione, my one true love, is dying!  
  
[CUE: Moment of silence.]  
  
HERMIONE: I am dying. See me bleed. See the descriptions of how beautiful I am? Ron, I love you. Kiss me one last time.  
  
[Tragically, HERMIONE DIES before RON can kiss her. Notice the descriptions that the ANNOYING AUTHORS have left for us to read about all the blood, and how Hermione is beautiful. And her hair isn't bushy.]  
  
[The READERS aren't convinced.]  
  
RON: Whatever will I do without Hermione?  
  
HARRY: I hear you can microwave fruit and poke holes in them . . .  
  
[At this moment the ANNOYING AUTHORS decide as part of their "brilliant plot that never was," that they should RESURRECT HERMIONE.]  
  
HERMIONE: Dudes, I'm alive again.  
  
HARRY: Oh, wow. I have had no character development whatsoever.  
  
RON: I'm so glad you're back, Hermione. Didn't you sense my angst, depression, and suicidal thoughts while you were dead?  
  
READERS: Oh, yes. Totally, Ron.  
  
HERMIONE: Now that everything has ended happily, let's get married, Ron.  
  
RON: And have twelve kids?  
  
HERMIONE: Yes, and we'll be rich, because we don't want to be poor.  
  
RON: And we will live happily ever after.  
  
[RON and HERMIONE spend prolonged periods of times KISSING. HARRY looks ready to gag, but is really happy that his friends have each other, but he is totally ALONE.]  
  
HARRY: Don't I even get a little romance?  
  
[The ANNOYING AUTHORS decide perhaps HARRY should get someone.]  
  
MOANING MYRTLE: Hello, Harry.  
  
HARRY: Hi, Myrtle. Will you be my girlfriend?  
  
MOANING MYRTLE: Yes, of course, even though I'm dead.  
  
[HARRY and MOANING MYRTLE try snogging, but it doesn't seem to work.]  
  
RON: Isn't this the happiest ending ever?  
  
HERMIONE: Yes, yes it is.  
  
READERS: Awwww . . .  
  
[The ANNOYING AUTHORS give each other HIGH FIVES.]  
  
ANNOYING AUTHORS: THE END!  
  
(A/N: Well what did you all think of that chapter? I hope you liked it. So now review, and make my day, since I have no life.  
  
Still to come: Next chapter will be Hagrid/Dobby, since that makes my laugh hysterically when I think of that one! Kudos to Lady Laughing Owl for that idea. And sometime later on of course I will get the D/Hr and all the slashes mentioned. And of course, I was going to do a Lockhart/Lockhart, but a good reviewer said there has been a Peter/Peter. I'll have to nab that one!  
  
Ahem, Signing Off:  
  
Clearly Clayr.) 


	3. Hagrid and Dobby

(A/N: Thank you to all my reviewers! Please note that this chapter is also based on Clam Chowder's stuff. For the next chapter, I think I'll write it in my own format, to see how that goes. Heh, heh. I'm not very pleased with this chapter, by the way. It's not as funny as I planned.)  
  
Chapter Three: Hagrid and Dobby  
  
[Setting: DOBBY is alone on the GROUNDS, moping.]  
  
DOBBY: I am Dobby; hear me roar!  
  
[DOBBY roars. It sounds more like a distressed mouse.]  
  
DOBBY: Dobby is a fantastic beast.  
  
[HAGRID walks out onto the grounds.]  
  
HAGRID: No need to write with my accent, folks.  
  
[The ANNOYING AUTHORS seem to have forgotten that HAGRID has an accent.]  
  
AUTHOR: I am lazy.  
  
READERS: Oh.  
  
[The READERS do not care, because they thought HAGRID'S accent was annoying, anyway.]  
  
HAGRID: I like dangerous beasts.  
  
DOBBY: Dobby is a dangerous beast, sir!  
  
[Insert the RACOUS LAUGHTER of the READERS here.]  
  
HAGRID: I am large.  
  
DOBBY: But I'm in charge! And besides, you don't know what is large behind these children's soccer shorts!  
  
HAGRID: Why doesn't anyone ever write romance fics about me?  
  
DOBBY: Dobby has never had a romance fic, either!  
  
[The ANNOYING AUTHORS grumble about this.]  
  
HAGRID: Dobby, you are the most dangerous beast there is.  
  
DOBBY: Roar!  
  
HAGRID: I love you, Dobby. I love you more than Norbert.  
  
DOBBY: Can Dobby get Hagrid something?  
  
[HAGRID GRINS, like a MANIAC.]  
  
HAGRID: Why, you're small enough to fit in that one little crack . . .  
  
[SCENE CHANGE: HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE are in the GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM.]  
  
HARRY: I am feeling depressed.  
  
RON: Let's go visit Hagrid.  
  
HERMIONE: I still want him to join S.P.E.W.  
  
[HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE, quickly go down to HAGRID'S HUT. The ANNIYING AUTHORS do a bad job of describing EVERYTHING.]  
  
HARRY: We're here.  
  
RON: Should we knock?  
  
HERMIONE: No, we're obviously supposed to walk in on Hagrid doing something embarrassing, because no one writes romance fics about him.  
  
HARRY AND RON: Oh.  
  
[HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE walk in, as HAGRID looks STUNNED, and FALLS off his chair.]  
  
HERMIONE: Hagrid, whatever are you doing? Does it involve touching yourself?  
  
HARRY: Since no one writes romances about you?  
  
HAGRID: No!  
  
[HERMIONE suddenly notices DOBBY'S TEA COZY on the floor. She POINTS at it.]  
  
HERMIONE: What is that doing here, Hagrid?  
  
HARRY: And what are my old socks doing here?  
  
RON: So that's what that awful smell was . . .  
  
HAGRID: No, that's just my usual stench, since I live in a hut and never bathe.  
  
[DOBBY'S voice is suddenly HEARD.]  
  
DOBBY: Dobby is getting scared, Hagrid sir! It's dark in here!  
  
[HARRY AND COMPANY jump.]  
  
RON: Blimey, Hagrid! You're molesting small children!  
  
HAGRID: No, it's just Dobby.  
  
RON: Oh, you're just raping Dobby the House Elf. That lonely, eh?  
  
[HAGRID NODS.]  
  
HERMIONE: Wanna join S.P.E.W.?  
  
HAGRID: No, that would give these creatures freedom. Next week, I plan to get twelve of them to do my business for me.  
  
HARRY AND COMPANY: EEEEEEEWWWW!  
  
HAGRID: What? No one writes romances about me!  
  
HARRY AND COMPANY: I think we'll leave now . . .  
  
HAGRID: Good, you were interrupting.  
  
[HARRY AND COMPANY leave.]  
  
HAGRID: Anyway, Dobby. I love you . . .  
  
~*~  
  
(A/N: That disgusting, or what? Sorry it wasn't very funny. I'm on a funny writer's block, or something. Ahem, I apologize for that chapter. Well, tell me how much you hated it! And remember, I use flames to cook marshmallows and weenies!  
  
--Clayr) 


End file.
